Top Things That Shouldn't Have Been Said
by AerinAlanna
Summary: Ten drabbles per chapter for Tortall characters. Humorous, as far as I can tell.
1. Alanna

_Yeah...if I owned all of this, would I be publishing on here or would I publish it for money? Hmm...yeah. Anyway: This. Is. Not. Mine. All. Is. TP's. But. Some. Plot. Things. Are. Mine. Clear?_

Top 10 Things That Should Never Be Said to Alanna

_Age_

"Hey, how old are you, anyway?" the older knight asked her. "Shouldn't you be at the training yards, not trying to debate with your elders?"

For reasons indiscernible to the knight, Crown Prince Jonathan's face was turning red and his body shook. His friends knew that what he struggled with was suppressed laughter.

_Weakness_

"How about a wrestling match?" George inquired. His hazel-green eyes sparkled with mirth as Alanna turned on him, mouth opening to yell at him. Her lips snapped shut as she saw the expression on his face.

"How about I just kill you now in a duel?" she suggested sweetly.

_Memory_

"Want to come swimming?" Raoul knew better, but he couldn't resist needling his fire-tempered friend. "We know how much you love the water." His joke was interrupted when he was pushed underwater by Jon and Gary, who had been plotting behind him.

"Thank you, lads," Alanna said with a grin as the two conspirators exchanged smirks and bowed extravagantly.

_Fame_

"Who are you again? Alanna the Lioness…hmm, doesn't ring a bell." The inn-keeper from a small village in Sarain hadn't heard of the Champion, and didn't seem inclined to give her a room for the night. "Women aren't good warriors in the first place, and—"

"Coram, talk some sense into him. I need a bath." The inn-keeper watched in amazement as the petite redheaded knight stalked away through the inn's doors.

"It's all righ'—ye'll get used to th' lass eventually," Coram explained understandingly.

_Stubbornness_

"You love him. Get used to it and get over it," the black cat informed her. "There's nothing you can do about it."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," Alanna told him, her expression hard. "I can do anything that I need to."

_Compulsion_

"I order you to attend the next ball. In a pink dress, heels, and make-up." Jonathan didn't know if he was asking for a slow and excruciatingly painful death, but he knew that the horrified look on his Champion's face as his words sank in were completely worth any punishment she could mete out.

_Disgust_

"Don't you just love Delia and Josiane?" Gary asked, grinning wryly. The details of the two ladies' last encounter with Alanna were Palace gossip now, and he wasn't the only one who was glad that it hadn't been him.

His friend's response would have made the stable lads blush, but it only made Gary chuckle in amusement.

_Frustration_

"You should relax, Alanna. Aly doesn't need to find her way in the world yet," said Maude gently. "She's only fourteen, and she has so many talents."

"But what would happen to her if George and I were killed? She doesn't know what she wants to do with her life! By her age I was Jon's squire, and only four years away from my knighthood!"

"Don't worry, dear—she'll find her way, and you can be sure of that."

Alanna grunted unbelievingly and left the room. Within minutes Maude could hear the sounds of Shang practice.

_Revulsion_

"Roger wants to know if you will marry him." George joked, a rare smile lighting his face as he watched Alanna fill with rage.

"That…that…oh!" And with a shudder of revulsion, the lady knight marched away, lips pressed together tightly.

_Disbelief_

"Doesn't the convent sound wonderful? You'll learn to sew and dance!" Alanna was informed excitedly by one of the Trebond maids, who would obviously have been ecstatic to be in her mistress' place.

The redheaded girl's "Hmph" swiftly discouraged any such conversation, but also confused the serving maid, who would have loved to be able to learn those ladylike skills.


	2. Daine

**Thank you to my reviewers! For my first fanfic, it's nice to have someone reading it. My apologies, though—this only has five drabbles, because I have not had the inspiration for any more and did not want to write something awful because of that lack.**

**Disclaimer: This. Is. Not. Mine…well, except for the plot and any characters that you don't recognize.**

Top Five Things That Should Not Have Been Said to Daine

_Cleverness_

"Wild animals? Have intelligence? You have to be joking!" Lady Adona exclaimed, her expression sincerely astonished for the first time that night. The young court lady's façade by itself was enough to make Daine's hackles rise, and her too-sweet, too high-pitched voice was sending shivers down the Wildmage's spine. The odor of too much perfume was irritating her sensitive nose, and it made her glad that she hadn't switched to enhanced senses for the night, just in case.

_Chipper, could I borrow you for a moment? _ Daine asked one of her squirrel friends silently. _I have a job that you might like. _ She explained quickly, and, upon hearing the squirrel's assent, she smiled sweetly and distracted the lady with a cake from a tray that a page was offering them.

Suddenly, Lady Adona squealed, throwing her arms up in the air and releasing the cake, which fell unharmed to the floor beside her as she unbalanced. A lump moved under her dress, and when it reached the edge of the fabric, a small squirrel appeared. It climbed up the leg of the petrified young lady, and, perching on her full bosom, rubbed its cold, wet nose against the pert nose of the lady. Its mission accomplished, it bent over in a mocking imitation of a bow, and then scurried out of the room, leaving a completely appalled Lady Adona and an even more amused Wildmage.

_Parentage_

"Sarrasri…so you don't know who your father is?" the man asked, eyebrow raised in speculation. Daine's eyes narrowed at the implied condescension.

"Actually, I do know who my father is," she replied, just a little too sweetly. "I just didn't want to go around with the last name Weirynsra—I felt that it would be a little bit conceited and arrogant. Don't you think so?" she inquired pleasantly.

The noble opened his mouth as though to speak, then closed it, nodded briefly, and stalked away.

_Anger_

"Daine, dear," Thayet said gently. "Don't you think you got a little bit carried away?"

"With what, Your Majesty?" the Wildmage asked, a little perplexed.

"Destroying the Carthaki palace." The queen smiled kindly. "I suppose that you were irritated with them for something or other, but I'm sure you could have handled it differently if you had thought about it."

Daine raised her eyebrows. "Irritated? That's a bit much, considering I only thought that they had killed Numair. I'd say…incensed, enraged, infuriated, angered, irate…furious is probably a good description, too, now that I think about it." She tilted her head to the side.

"I don't think that anyone will try that again, though—most countries prefer their palaces standing up."

_Disbelief_

"Hey, Daine! D'you want to come to the cockfight with us?" asked one of the trainees.

Court ladies were not the only women to be possessed of a look of perfect scorn, as was evidenced by Daine's reaction.

But few could follow the look with as perfect a punch as she did.

_Cruelty_

The traveling merchant whose cart became stuck in the mud was irritated. He was already late getting to Corus, and now his idiotic horse wouldn't pull any harder to get the cart unstuck. So he took a whip to the brute, applying it liberally in order to get moving.

"What d'you think you're doin'?" demanded a woman's voice. He looked away from the horse for a moment and saw a pretty woman, maybe twenty-five, on a gray horse. She had stopped beside him and was glaring daggers.

With a mollifying smile, he said, "Oh, this idiot of a carthorse isn't doin' anything to 'elp me with gettin' me cart out o' the mud."

He had expected the woman to feel sorry for him because of his problems, so the disgusted look on her face was not what he had anticipated.

"How _dare_ you hurt an animal like that?!" the woman demanded. "That is insufferable!" She promptly dismounted and walked over to his horse. Putting her head beside that of the beast, she…listened…for a while, then stalked over to him.

Her eyes were narrowed and his blood grew cold as she reached him. "Some animals are not as intelligent as others, and some are downright obstinate," she informed him. "But this…this horse of yours is a sweetheart, and only tryin' to help. It isn't his fault that his owner hasn't figured out that he's caught in the mud, too."

Then the woman mounted her horse and left him speechless. When he turned back to the horse, he heard and felt a splat on his chest. Looking down, he saw mud running down his shirt. A glance at his horse revealed a back hoof completely covered in mud that wasn't touching the mud-coated ground.

He spun around furiously to look at the woman, and glared at the grin on her face as she rode away.


End file.
